This too shall pass....

I saw a picture on a friends page the other day (which hopefully I can learn to put up on here...yeah! I did it) and it reminded me of a mantra that has helped me through the last few very difficult years. I had both pre and post natal depression following the births of my children, (which unfortunately was not diagnosed for at least a year after they were born) after much therapy and medication I eventually got to a point where I thought I was better (about 4yrs later lol). I had taken a very long road to get off medication that was in hindsight not the best med for me - according to psychiatrists, sometimes just seeing a GP isn't always the best idea, and then a posting to what was supposed to be ideal as it was so close to my family (who are very supportive). Unfortunately my new work environment wasn't great, it was incredibly stressful and I quickly became sick again. After feeling ill for months, not eating, sleeping and loosing lots of weight (one of the only good things to come of being that sick lol) and a few other things I won't mention at this time - I ended up in a hospital for about 5 weeks.

During this time I met some very amazing people, both the professionals and the other patients. The term "this too shall pass" was introduced to me here. It is a phrase that allows you to realize the impermanence of things. Nothing in this life is permanent. There are many things you can change by acknowledging your thought processes and by learning how to change your thought patterns. Not at all easy to do and something I still battle with. I have had many professionals help me during this time and I am still on medication (although a much better lot than I was on at first) and I still see a psychologist regularly. I feel much better an I did a couple of years ago and my life is not in danger by my minute by minute battle with the big black dog.....but the edge of the cliff sometimes creeps closer than I would like it to.

I think back on that very dark and scarey time and I wish I could remember all of what was told of me then but the fog of "the nothing" (as I call it) is very difficult to see through at the time, let alone remember things from way back then. I wrote a poem about it which can probably explain it better. 

In the Nothing 

In the nothing there is no light or dark - only grey,

In the nothing there is no colour - only grey,

In the nothing there is no sadness or joy,

In the nothing there is no pleasure or pain,

In the nothing there is no sorrow, hurt or anger,

In the nothing there is no happiness, laughter or love,

In the nothing there is no guilt, responsibility or duty,

In the nothing you are alone but not lonely......

because there is nothing,

In the nothing there is only emptiness. 

Written early 2009, thinking back to the previous year when the nothing had me fully in it's grip. 

It was a very difficult time and one that I still cannot look at for too long.....otherwise it still has a pull, like looking at my scars.......I feel the shadows and the dark and the pull of the nothing. 

So I say to myself "this too shall pass" and put into place one of the many strategies I have learnt over the last 9 years. And I remember that we never completely get rid of the black dog....just shrink him a little and tame him and put a leash on him in the vain attempt to control him. :)

One of the hardest things about depression is how alone it makes you feel...even while recovering you feel alone and I often feel ungrateful for feeling so crappy when there really was no tangible reason for feeling this way. My journey through depression has been very difficult and at time very scarey for my friends and family. But I have learnt that it helps greatly to talk to other people who have black dogs also :P as even if they are on another part of the journey to you.....you can still learn a lot from each other. So I post this not to bring anyone's mood down but to tell people that they are not alone, there are other people out there who can help. And if they are having a bad day that "this too shall pass". And tomorrow is another day.

Where has January gone?

Today I convinced myself to walk to work!! (my holiday job as school is out, vacation care) (3kms) and I even managed to walk the 3kms home again, although the bus did drive past when I was about 3/4 of the way home taunting me with it's comfortable seating and air conditioning. It was a beautifully warm day today - under my hat and sunscreen (to prevent getting burnt to a crisp by the very strong sun down here.) It actually was a nice walk, except for the dead and bloated furry native animal and the traffic noise. Up hill and down dale, as you can't walk a straight line in this neighbourhood without traveling up and down many, many hills (kind of makes the 3kms seem much.....longer). I have been trying to talk myself into walking into work for about a week but you know how it is you always manage to think up of an excuse not too. The best one being I just need another 1/2 hours sleep, cause I have been developing the nasty habit of going to bed at 11pm/12am (yawn!) and then I struggggggle to get out of bed in the morning.....particularly when I start at 8:30am. So anyway I won the war with myself today and walked to work (I didn't start till 12:30 so that helped lol I got to have a sleep in :)

I was looking at the calendar in the toilet earlier and writing our family birthdays in....when it occurred to me that January has nearly passed by in a blurr. We spent a fairly uneventful, but very windy Australia Day and I still get into the habit of my brain saying that it is time to go back to work, as I have done for 10 years as a teacher in Qld we usually go back to work just after or around Australia Day. Also as a Defence spouse I have the good fortune (or bad depending on the day) to move around our rather large country. And at the moment we are posted rather a long way from our home state of Queensland (to the Apple Isle) - my first interstate posting, as we have been lucky enough to remain in Qld for the last 3 postings :)

Anyway, as January seems to have gone by so quickly, it got me thinking about how we write all of these future events in our calendars at the start of the year, thinking about how long it will take to get to said event/s and the time really does go past fast. (except of course if your partner is deployed or on course or out bush....in which case time usually drags by at a snails pace - in between the dramas that usually punctuate any absence of ones partner - sick children, broken cars/house hold appliance and any number of other things which stress us out). So for all of those women/men out there counting down the days on their calendars until their loved ones are home again, I hope the time goes quickly for you....maybe turtle pace....and with the least amount of stressful events that is possible. And for those whose partners wont ever return, because they and you have made the ultimate sacrifice, may your days through the grief process be eased by the support of friends and family. I always think of those who have lost their loved ones when thinking about deployments, more so ever since a fellow defence wife who I met during our first posting (we had a lot in common and she helped me through some difficult times and I her), sadly her husband was killed overseas on deployment, serving his country. We had drifted apart through postings but recently, when I heard the name I knew that it was her husband and was immediately saddened by her and her families loss of their love one. It is a risk of many professions, including the defence forces and although none of us is ever immune to the death of a loved one through many and varied ways, the deaths of soldiers always hit other defence wives/partners hard. In part because we think that it could be us.

Hopefully this year will not see the deaths of any more Australian soldiers overseas. Although I know they would be proud to do so and their families are forever proud of them also. It is the hardest thing for all of us to deal with. (not sure if that makes any sense, it is late and I may not be making sense any longer.) I think of my friend and her family often and hopefully my thoughts and positive energy and hugs can help her in some way. For all of the other wives/partners who have loved ones overseas, may they return to you safely in 2012.