This too shall pass....

I saw a picture on a friends page the other day (which hopefully I can learn to put up on here...yeah! I did it) and it reminded me of a mantra that has helped me through the last few very difficult years. I had both pre and post natal depression following the births of my children, (which unfortunately was not diagnosed for at least a year after they were born) after much therapy and medication I eventually got to a point where I thought I was better (about 4yrs later lol). I had taken a very long road to get off medication that was in hindsight not the best med for me - according to psychiatrists, sometimes just seeing a GP isn't always the best idea, and then a posting to what was supposed to be ideal as it was so close to my family (who are very supportive). Unfortunately my new work environment wasn't great, it was incredibly stressful and I quickly became sick again. After feeling ill for months, not eating, sleeping and loosing lots of weight (one of the only good things to come of being that sick lol) and a few other things I won't mention at this time - I ended up in a hospital for about 5 weeks.

During this time I met some very amazing people, both the professionals and the other patients. The term "this too shall pass" was introduced to me here. It is a phrase that allows you to realize the impermanence of things. Nothing in this life is permanent. There are many things you can change by acknowledging your thought processes and by learning how to change your thought patterns. Not at all easy to do and something I still battle with. I have had many professionals help me during this time and I am still on medication (although a much better lot than I was on at first) and I still see a psychologist regularly. I feel much better an I did a couple of years ago and my life is not in danger by my minute by minute battle with the big black dog.....but the edge of the cliff sometimes creeps closer than I would like it to.

I think back on that very dark and scarey time and I wish I could remember all of what was told of me then but the fog of "the nothing" (as I call it) is very difficult to see through at the time, let alone remember things from way back then. I wrote a poem about it which can probably explain it better. 

In the Nothing 

In the nothing there is no light or dark - only grey,

In the nothing there is no colour - only grey,

In the nothing there is no sadness or joy,

In the nothing there is no pleasure or pain,

In the nothing there is no sorrow, hurt or anger,

In the nothing there is no happiness, laughter or love,

In the nothing there is no guilt, responsibility or duty,

In the nothing you are alone but not lonely......

because there is nothing,

In the nothing there is only emptiness. 

Written early 2009, thinking back to the previous year when the nothing had me fully in it's grip. 

It was a very difficult time and one that I still cannot look at for too long.....otherwise it still has a pull, like looking at my scars.......I feel the shadows and the dark and the pull of the nothing. 

So I say to myself "this too shall pass" and put into place one of the many strategies I have learnt over the last 9 years. And I remember that we never completely get rid of the black dog....just shrink him a little and tame him and put a leash on him in the vain attempt to control him. :)

One of the hardest things about depression is how alone it makes you feel...even while recovering you feel alone and I often feel ungrateful for feeling so crappy when there really was no tangible reason for feeling this way. My journey through depression has been very difficult and at time very scarey for my friends and family. But I have learnt that it helps greatly to talk to other people who have black dogs also :P as even if they are on another part of the journey to you.....you can still learn a lot from each other. So I post this not to bring anyone's mood down but to tell people that they are not alone, there are other people out there who can help. And if they are having a bad day that "this too shall pass". And tomorrow is another day.